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the way i was brought up was decentering and controlling. i always was told to put myself last-- that the most important drivers in my life should be to please my parents (my mother), attain spiritual grace, and attain the accomplishments of a husband and children and a house by ceding my will to my husband's, except this is late stage capitalism so i was also to achieve highly in education and peer-approved activities. i was raised to be most conscious of what things LOOK like-- not what they are-- but that the real shame is in not being able to project perfection 24/7/365. any part of myself that didn't meet that expectation was shameful, including any desires to be different or do something else. so i have preacher's kid syndrome, i am very good at lying and acting out invisibly and harming myself invisibly, while achieving enough of that perfect facade to be left alone. there is a deep divide between my actual self and the self i allow others to interact with, even those who are closest to me-- especially those closest to me biologically. this has made me very controlling and very type A because it takes a lot of planning and energy to make things look good while actually trying to do what i want to do in the world, or trying to be any real part of myself. i believe others will harm me, and that most harm is irreparable. i believe others love me for what i do to provide for or serve them. at best, those who are closest to me still love a projection of me. i believe others cannot see me-- that i am not worth the time and effort it takes to be really known. so i do not usually seek out genuine companionship-- i am mostly content with relationships that hold themselves at arms length, or that are explicitly about service and serving others. trust and safety are supposed to be verbs but no one is safe and no one can be trusted. family relationships are built on memory and mutual obligation. romantic relationships are built on impulse and what i can provide to someone else. intimacy always results in harm-- even if i am able to feel close to someone, all i'm really doing is giving someone the capacity to do harm to me. most types of intimacy can be imitated and no one around me has ever called me out for that or recognized it. most people seek to empower themselves to meet their needs, and that means they either don't care about my needs or are specifically disempowering me to meet their needs.