For a couple of minutes every week I pretend fhat I don’t sleep on the couchevery night listening for the sound of your car door 

It makes sense to me that people consider ptsd to be a soldiers disease. That we are most aware of it in people of whom we demanded humanity in inhumane situations. Ptsd is a revolt of the body. The deep desire of the brain to malfunction, the guts not-want to function. 

Imagine we all live in a world where our public safety system is built squarely on the values you all defined together.

Welcome home. You just entered your house after a long day. You open the door and … What happens next? What do you see when you walk in the house? How do you feel?

Where have you come home to? Where have you just come from?

What did you do today? 

in a new world imbued with the right values, systems, and investments, what does coming home from work feel like?

i took public transit home from downtown and it was physically and financially accessible to me. the transit system is in good repair and spans all parts of town equally. nobody bothered me, nobody acted shitty toward the buskers, and the transit system employees seemed happy in their jobs. i do not have to interact with cops at any point during my commute. 

my block is mixed use housing and business; there are no police cameras on the corners. the day care centers and schools in my neighborhood are all high quality and well funded. my home is energy efficient and my neighbors and i all have access to land for gardening and plants. my neighbors and i are on a first name basis and i say hi to anyone i pass on my way to my door. 

i cook. i take my meds. i have fresh food and filled prescriptions. neither of these needs cost exorbitant amounts of money. 

no one has yelled at me today. i have been paid a livable wage for the work i did, including community organizing. i am free in the evenings to spend time socially, recreationally, and consuming local art. 

 the consequences of ray's choices in my life have been:

losing my job and therefore my health insurance
losing my professional reputation
losing my personal reputation
losing many friends because they believed ray
losing many more friends because they believed lavonna, amber, kim, erika, and the rest of that ilk
losing thousands and thousands of dollars in legal costs
losing my credit score to accrued and unpaid medical debt that isn't mine that i can't afford
losing my love of this house, the place i said would be mine forever, that is now a trauma minefield
losing my financial stability, which has trapped me in this house
losing my financial independence and having to ask for help from my parents
losing my car
losing my nervous system, and a major increase in ptsd reactivity
losing my mental health, and a major increase in suicidality
losing my physical health, and a major increase in illness and daily pain
losing my in-law family
losing my respect for every part of the legal and criminal system i interacted with
losing my ability to trust others
losing my hope to exist in any kind of family ever