i wonder what it would be like to receive support from my family

i wonder what it would be like if my mother loved me 

i wonder what it would be like if my father listened to me 

i wonder what it would be like if my sister had remained in relationship with me at all

i wonder what it would be like if any of my extended family members had been close to me or our family unit at all

i wonder what it would be like if i had never left ohio

i wonder what it would be like if i had never left maryland

i wonder what it would be like if men treated me as an equal

i wonder what it would be like if the medical system had offered me any real resources

i wonder what it would be like if i had not had to perpetually babysit my lawyer

i wonder what it would be like if sean had not been an alcoholic

i wonder what it would be like if jared had been single

i wonder what it would be like if sara had been dedicated to our friendship

i wonder what it would be like if libby had not been with kurt

i wonder what it would be like if i had stayed skinny

i wonder what it would be like if i had gotten and stayed pregnant ever

i do not know what is the point of anything any more

i'll pay a bill and another comes due

i'll dig out of a hole and fall into another one

i'll try having a friendship just to be bored, ignored or abandoned

i'll try fucking someone new just to experience ptsd and jared's anger

i'll fix behavioral health crisis response in the county and there will just be more underneath, probate warrants, pink slipping, it'll never end

i'll spend my whole political life in ohio swimming upstream against a tide that will always win

i am so tired. i told nancy if i wanted people, i'd have people. i still believe that is true. i am choosing alone > people, but the weight of alone feels heavier than the weight of with people. 

i don't think anyone has ever truly loved me. i think this because my family is shit, all my old friends are gone, none of my relationships succeed, and i am alone. i also think this because i will never again try to let someone genuinely KNOW me. and if you can't know me, you can't love me. 

it's not even about safety any more. i just truly feel set apart. 

two nights ago: sold the house in cleveland, moved to a third floor brick building apartment in the hood in brooklyn, bars on all the windows in the whole neighborhood, my mom refused to ever visit me again

last night: they lived in some huge suburban mansion with a perfect little japanese garden out front with perfect gravel trails and perfect plants, and my mom said something offensive and i chose to leave and walked aroudn the house packing stuff up without anyone batting an eyelash