i do not know what is the point of anything any more

i'll pay a bill and another comes due

i'll dig out of a hole and fall into another one

i'll try having a friendship just to be bored, ignored or abandoned

i'll try fucking someone new just to experience ptsd and jared's anger

i'll fix behavioral health crisis response in the county and there will just be more underneath, probate warrants, pink slipping, it'll never end

i'll spend my whole political life in ohio swimming upstream against a tide that will always win

i am so tired. i told nancy if i wanted people, i'd have people. i still believe that is true. i am choosing alone > people, but the weight of alone feels heavier than the weight of with people. 

i don't think anyone has ever truly loved me. i think this because my family is shit, all my old friends are gone, none of my relationships succeed, and i am alone. i also think this because i will never again try to let someone genuinely KNOW me. and if you can't know me, you can't love me. 

it's not even about safety any more. i just truly feel set apart.