I drink because I am in a lot of pain 

I drink because I only ever hear my own name in my mothers angriest voice 

I drink because this is my third time starting my life completely over with very little support 

I drink because 2020 was so bad my mom “can’t bear to hear about it” and her reaction makes sense to me 

I drink because I believe I am permanently flawed, soul-deep broken, something I can’t see or change is inherently wrong or misfiring or misfitting 

I drink because when my dog dies I will not have any family at all any more 

I drink because the concepts of safety and love and justice and honesty do not actually exist, do not exist in the natural world, cannot be proven by looking at any person or part of the universe, and are not real 

I drink because I have untreated ptsd that treats my brain violently, and at the same time, doctors who treat me violently 

I drink because I was raised to be perfection, which is also not a real concept or achievable or possible

I drink because god is not real and I am watching millions of people die for a fake shibboleth, a false concept that will never love them back 

I drink because no matter what choices I make about my life I cannot find anyone relatively loving or anywhere relatively safe 

I drink because there is always, permanently, rage churning in my veins and coiled in my chest and pulsing in my hands

I drink because we built systems to kill each other instead of systems that support

I drink because long term employment seems impossible, because I am never calm enough or compliant enough or soft enough, to stay anywhere for any length of time 

 Worse than the pain of feeling as though the beloved collective has abandoned me is the feeling that the beloved collective has never actually existed

Or will never exist 

I see my community organizing skill set showing up in my work life and I have respect for the experiences that have so deeply shaped me 

I am not sure I will ever belong to the beloved collective again, I am not sure I would choose to

Perhaps there are many reasons why my community abandoned me, and perhaps some of those reasons have nothing to do with me, perhaps some are even driven by the extremity of the political and economic and social experience of 2020, perhaps 

Perhaps I always deserved better

Perhaps I have not always known how to seek better than narcissistic partnership and time bound friendships

Perhaps all of this is true 

I am not sure I could have made a different choice at any of the major junctures of my life 

i don't wish her a happy mothers day because i am the one that raised me 

in the face of her inability to see me, support me, or love me, i held me together and pushed forward and picked a new path and learned how to make a set of life decisions she was never even aware could be made 

i owe her only for the opportunity of having learned how not to live 

and by the way, i have always deserved love, and constancy.