Worse than the pain of feeling as though the beloved collective has abandoned me is the feeling that the beloved collective has never actually existed

Or will never exist 

I see my community organizing skill set showing up in my work life and I have respect for the experiences that have so deeply shaped me 

I am not sure I will ever belong to the beloved collective again, I am not sure I would choose to

Perhaps there are many reasons why my community abandoned me, and perhaps some of those reasons have nothing to do with me, perhaps some are even driven by the extremity of the political and economic and social experience of 2020, perhaps 

Perhaps I always deserved better

Perhaps I have not always known how to seek better than narcissistic partnership and time bound friendships

Perhaps all of this is true 

I am not sure I could have made a different choice at any of the major junctures of my life