because even being a part of the "dei work ecosystem" requires compromise on values i am not willing to compromise on. requires compromise on working with people like mallory mcmaster.

empowered rachel kacenjar to work with karen hewitt to create new jobs with employers who care. what chance do i possibly have. 

i wish i could write a letter to all the employers of my 20s.

how lucky you were, to get me, before i became conscious. 

how lucky you were to receive that level of labor and energy and focus and drive, before i understood that i would have to prevent you from abusing me. 

i have had ten million jobs and almost all of them have been bad. overall bad. bad for my body, bad for my mind, bad for my resume, bad for my self esteem, bad for my energy, bad for my trajectory. bad. 

how do you be a community person if you hate people??????? 
ALL PEOPLE ARE WORTH SAVING over there... away from me...

there is too much damage. i do not trust. I DO NOT TRUST. 

and i have learned through life experience that it is not limited to cleveland, this instinct did not shift when i was in portland.

how do you be a person who learned deeply that the family cannot be trusted
the friends cannot be trusted
the partners cannot be trusted 
the community cannot be trusted

none of them survive the litmus test of a) saying they care b) behaving like they care c) even when it's hard. 

the family cannot be trusted. 

how much of this is because i am white? how much because i come from a white family and a white community and have therefore had majority white friends? how far does whiteness go in abstracting the definite needs of a human to stay alive? 

"i no longer need the community to stay alive. all of the true life dependencies have been removed." she used to be able to say, when she was rich. she cannot claim these any more. 

for when it needs to be said over my dead body

she/her pronouns.
poet.
queer, in the most dangerous way.
a believer of liberation within a generation.
someone who always knew that the struggle alone is the struggle toward community is the struggle of the future of us all.
(when you grow up in a cult you learn this early.)

let them say that i screamed as much in the statehouse as in the streets.
let them say that when i had to choose to sue cops or hospitals, i chose the hospital, in the name of greater closer goods for us all.
let them say that i killed many, many zygotes, both mine and others'.
let them say that i abandoned conservative christian values for the opportunity to overturn the tables in the temple.
let them say that i grieved at every trans day of remembrance.
let them say i insisted on my right to autonomy even when no government, no economy, no family, no social structure has ever granted me that right.

one of many. one of the masses. 

you are the first broken system i learned to subvert
you are the first moral system i failed on purpose, to learn where i could find grace, so that i will never turn around to become a pillar of salt waiting for your lies to be true
you are my first dictator, my first fascist, my first perpetually violent state
you are the first one who did not believe i was human

what you remember of me is soft and funny and kind and sweet because that is resistance in my heart: you cannot turn me cold

what you remember of me is hard and absolute and unyielding and sharp because that is resistance in my soul: you cannot make me stop loving myself

or you.

you cannot make me stop loving myself or you.

you cannot make me envision a future in which my needs are met but not yours.

you cannot make me desire a future in which you are abandoned or alone.

you cannot make me daydream of a future without you. 

i dream of liberation in a generation for every single person who is alive.
i dream that your generation met microfiche, faxing, dial up, cell phones, wifi--i dream that you can meet democracy, granted rights, autonomy, and then actual freedom, much as you fear it. 

we all must fight.
and while i cannot fight beside you i pray still that you have arms to take up. i pray that you have ears that are willing to hear. i pray you have a heart that looks for others in the world, even if not me.