how do you be a community person if you hate people??????? 
ALL PEOPLE ARE WORTH SAVING over there... away from me...

there is too much damage. i do not trust. I DO NOT TRUST. 

and i have learned through life experience that it is not limited to cleveland, this instinct did not shift when i was in portland.

how do you be a person who learned deeply that the family cannot be trusted
the friends cannot be trusted
the partners cannot be trusted 
the community cannot be trusted

none of them survive the litmus test of a) saying they care b) behaving like they care c) even when it's hard. 

the family cannot be trusted. 

how much of this is because i am white? how much because i come from a white family and a white community and have therefore had majority white friends? how far does whiteness go in abstracting the definite needs of a human to stay alive? 

"i no longer need the community to stay alive. all of the true life dependencies have been removed." she used to be able to say, when she was rich. she cannot claim these any more.