self medication

says i believe that i deserve to feel better
says i can find resources on my own
says no one else should have to put up with me when i'm like this
says i know there is something out there that will help

is sure that the world can be more navigable
is sure that there is greater peace to be found
is sure that the best of me can be brought to light again
is sure that the cost will be worth the gain

i lie here with my hardened heart and ruined mind, waiting to make you the culprit for my own misdeeds.
i spin my single story: you are inescapable, and trapped.
you bring me joy, i bring you blight.

you taste of sunlight, make my smokescreens visible in the slant of orange late afternoon.
brown, ochre, maroon, violet, a lancing of my monochrome, flush with purpose and heat.
oh i am hungry for you.
i am the chrysalis, writhing.