i live on cigarettes and shadows, chestnuts and crow meat. i am always here, even when you can't notice me. i am tall, and thin, and i fit through the space of a keyhole. i am dark, and bright, and fierce. some days you will take joy in me: it will seem there is no other partner worthy of your heart. i know you will reject me. i know you will disown me. i know you will go blind to me, and i would rather not be seen. i circle the mud, the blood, the wine, leaving no footprints on your battlefield. i will fly, when i must, to be sure that i can witness the end in silence and in secret.

well rae finally pissed me off. it took the engagement, shirley's passing and haunting, the gayrahj, the bathroom, laundry and kitchen, wedding planning alone, quitting their job, being told a billion times to just talk it out, and supporting big parts of their emotional, physical, and mental health needs for me to get angry. so at least i know where my temper lies these days.

why shouldn't i feel taken advantage of? who has ever lived with me and paid rent except for rae for three months? so fine, let's do it, let's give away all of our money and time and energy and reputation and social standing and professional achievement and mental stability and love and capacity to someone who does not reciprocate. sounds pretty fucking familiar. 

how do i find these people even when i think i won't. 

it's just like the night nina was over, they want to be the fun host and then it's 8pm and no one's made dinner and the only reason why there are groceries in the house is me and i'm the one who will cook and okay they're grateful but. how many nights? it's david, it's sean, it's jen, it's my whole pattern. so okay, i have abandonment issues? i'm afraid of not being needed, so i seek the most need? 

i don't want to be poly, or open, or eth i c a lly non mo nog a mous until i feel fucking solid in myself and my primary partnership and i do not feel solid on either of those fronts right now. 

and they had to go right for lou and then michele, right? two people who are me but better, two people who are similar but so different, two people who have things i want and am jealous of, and now they can have my partner too, so that's cool. 

remember when there was only you? remember when there was only you and your choices and your desires? remember when this was your house and you never cleaned up after anyone else? remember when no one set foot in here who wasn't personally approved? remember when you had space for all of yourself inside your home? remember when you got to opt in to all the emotional labor you were going to perform per day? 

okay, so i also remember the drinking, and the loneliness, and the hopelessness. but i also remember the freedom, the independence, the self determination, and how much less effort it was. i know that i have grass-is-greener syndrome. i know that i'm a perfectionist. i know that i am capable of loving and supporting someone in a way that is reciprocal and patient and kind. but it is so goddamn hard and right now i am so f u c k i n g tired. 

five years in cleveland as of today. five years in cleveland that includes the two hardest, biggest, bravest years i've lived yet. five years in cleveland saw me finally come all the way out of the closet. five years in cleveland let me grew a whole new community, love and connection blossoming out of the fear i had been holding onto. five years in cleveland saw my second abortion. five years in cleveland gave me the privilege of serving the reproductive justice community, of building a coalition with the most powerful, thoughtful, creative people i've ever met. five years in cleveland watched me open a brand new career and then a second one four years later. five years in cleveland in the neighborhood bars, graveyards, dance parties, and bookstores. five years that brought me rae.

spell for love

the smell of sage
the tang of onion
your voice in the afternoon
the grey calm of a cloudy sky
a yawning ache for forgiveness
bits of your heart, burned

assemble as you see fit; sing harmony to your partner's voice; repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

spell for forgiving myself after someone else has hurt me

i am full of love. the communities who claim me hold me in love. i am able to love myself.  

this is always true. 

i have not accepted any tasks that are larger than my ability. 

i refuse to feel fear. fear: i see you, i name you, and i reject you.

choose one: i did not clearly set my boundaries / i felt something complex and chose not to articulate it / i am not holding enough grace for my own learning process

(one is always true.)

i am a witch of a thousand hearts and i can have compassion for my one mind, which does not always correctly interpret which heart will beat the loudest.

i affirm my own power. i am powerful.

the time for reflection does not have to be now; i am allowed the time that i need to process, grieve, be angry, be sad, and just be.

i will always have the option to learn from this. i will know when i am ready to learn from this. 

The crush of your cowlick between my fingers I want to pull your head back and run my tongue down your golden throat
I think I am entering the golden era of my life and you, shepherd, king, companion, are the gilding and the refraction of my hope

Stretch me long against the dreams of your body: I am malleable, composed, two hands cupped to catch the grace you pour

In one of my past lives I neglected you, I am sure. I have forgotten you many times. But in this iteration, in this journey, oh I remember you. I know every smile that lurks in your mouth, the deep-muscle bruises you’ve carried for lifetimes. Oh I remember the crush of your power, the expansion of you when we are rooted in love. I remember the cost of your dreams.

In this lifetime I cherish the feel of your jaw under my hand, the texture of your lips and the way your kiss turns up at the ends, happy, beloved. I recognize you, glowing ember. We are made of the same heat.