well rae finally pissed me off. it took the engagement, shirley's passing and haunting, the gayrahj, the bathroom, laundry and kitchen, wedding planning alone, quitting their job, being told a billion times to just talk it out, and supporting big parts of their emotional, physical, and mental health needs for me to get angry. so at least i know where my temper lies these days.

why shouldn't i feel taken advantage of? who has ever lived with me and paid rent except for rae for three months? so fine, let's do it, let's give away all of our money and time and energy and reputation and social standing and professional achievement and mental stability and love and capacity to someone who does not reciprocate. sounds pretty fucking familiar. 

how do i find these people even when i think i won't. 

it's just like the night nina was over, they want to be the fun host and then it's 8pm and no one's made dinner and the only reason why there are groceries in the house is me and i'm the one who will cook and okay they're grateful but. how many nights? it's david, it's sean, it's jen, it's my whole pattern. so okay, i have abandonment issues? i'm afraid of not being needed, so i seek the most need? 

i don't want to be poly, or open, or eth i c a lly non mo nog a mous until i feel fucking solid in myself and my primary partnership and i do not feel solid on either of those fronts right now. 

and they had to go right for lou and then michele, right? two people who are me but better, two people who are similar but so different, two people who have things i want and am jealous of, and now they can have my partner too, so that's cool. 

remember when there was only you? remember when there was only you and your choices and your desires? remember when this was your house and you never cleaned up after anyone else? remember when no one set foot in here who wasn't personally approved? remember when you had space for all of yourself inside your home? remember when you got to opt in to all the emotional labor you were going to perform per day? 

okay, so i also remember the drinking, and the loneliness, and the hopelessness. but i also remember the freedom, the independence, the self determination, and how much less effort it was. i know that i have grass-is-greener syndrome. i know that i'm a perfectionist. i know that i am capable of loving and supporting someone in a way that is reciprocal and patient and kind. but it is so goddamn hard and right now i am so f u c k i n g tired.