1/8

day 2 after the coup. 

i did not expect to immediately cry as soon as kristen even mentioned it. i have been surprised about my sadness. i mostly think of myself as invested in people, invested in the new world. i did not expect to mourn artifacts of the current state. i do mourn how the police acted. would that they had ever opened gates and doors for me... like marissa said. we have chosen to use our white bodies as tools for the revolution. and yes, it's funny to see other white bodies so surprised at what street warfare can look like-- what little they tasted of it. i feel I TOLD YOU SO so keenly. i cannot imagine the depth of grief and anger and sadness and TOLD YOU that black people must have to bear.

hung art in my new office today. it feels comforting to be surrounded by it. 

i'm seeing sky in person alone for the first time ever tomorrow. i hope to god all my memories, and the rapport we have now, aren't lying to me. i want so badly to trust the enthusiasm and awakeness and freshness that i feel, and i think that means having to trust the goodness and emotional skill of someone else. 

i told hannah today that i don't miss ray any more. it came faster than expected. i know that the consequential trauma of his presence in my life in oct/nov is part of that. i am glad too to be rid of the financial burden of him. i hope it hurt tremendously when his dad died. it's hard to feel like that wasn't a karmic answer to his behavior taking an entire family from me.

i feel very: calm, capable, in motion, getting it done, established, proud

and also: burned beyond belief, exhausted, needy, lonely, touch starved, addicted

i am once again twitchy, startled, not sleeping without assistance, afraid. i wish someone else would solve all my problems for me. 

i wish i could live permanently in a cloud in a pink sunset with good smells and pretty views and a lover who is my best friend.