1/19

i feel like i have been alone for a very long time. it's weird to reflect on how lonely i feel. wasn't i just married? wasn't ray my partner and soulmate?

i am only weeks removed from some of the worst trauma in my life and my brain is very willing to put it all down and walk away. 

even with ray i was alone. won't i just be alone again with sky?

talk about cycles-- rereading my book like YUP I ALREADY SAID IT and ray is so afraid i'll "use him in my art" like i might never write again so what is the true impact of october 2020 on me and ray and the world

i wish i could insulate myself more effectively-- i don't want to have all five senses i don't want to be sober i don't want to be here

will i just cycle thru addictions until one kills me?

i wish i was divorced. i hate how slow probate court is I HATE IT just let me out

someone like sky has so much to offer and i want it all-- the opportunity to be the captain of my ship while having my needs met ?? i can't imagine-- but i think we could pull it off-- and i love, god help me i love, all her boundaries that will keep her away from me so she can think clearly about her own life-- i want to be alone together

it's his last day as president. i can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong.

sometimes my depression lies to me but i know i want to live

and more clearly and cleanly and kindly and happily and sexually and successfully than i am living now-- am i living now? i am a woman standing still, waiting