In the end it doesn’t matter how many people abandon me, only that I have abandoned myself 

I can no longer smile when I’m angry, flirt when I’m scared, smooth out someone else when I’m flatlining. I cannot. It is not a choice any more 

With Jared I am trying to react in defense of myself to the full extent needed, and whatever balance is left goes to preserve a relationship with the only man who I think loves me. He will never be with me