i am not happy

no one else knows what it's like to be me

this is universal

some of the things that make my experience very different are the ways i grew up, my affinity toward narcissism in my closest relationships, and the detritus of having chosen narcissists over and over and over

i feel touch starved very often

i feel lonely very often

i also do not seek any new friendships or partners or connections right now

i do not think that most people know how to see me, speak to me, or approach me

i have been very reactive to the idea of jared leaving me and i see now that i am more reactive to the idea of my freedom or agency being curtailed in any way

which makes sense for where i am in my healing

i would rather be alone than abused

i would rather be utterly, entirely, continually alone in a world full of people than offer anyone the opportunity to abuse me ever again

i am very mad at my family

i don't understand why claire isn't a sibling to me

i don't understand why my parents are so fucking blind and dumb

i don't want to be around anyone who  cannot see me or speak to me

my entire family falls into that category