i am not happy and i am most angry because it is other people that have created my unhappiness

and there will never be an adjudication of my anger

there will never be a mea culpa, there will never be understanding

there will only ever be me, alone, attempting to address symptoms and outcomes, without a family, without a partner, without anyone who knows me from childhood, without any firm friendships, without any social structure that accepts me

and i AM NOT CRAZY

i am struggling to maintain right relationship to MYSELF

and that is my priority. my priority is myself. myself, and my safety. me. i matter most to me. 

when i am reactive, i am reacting to lessons learned in blood and time and trauma.

when i am angry, i am angry about real events that took place with people who should have made better choices, events where i held all the receipts, alone. 

i am still alone. 

other people are a fucking curse i cannot get away from, but my dedication to the struggle is in my own name. my dedication to the improvement of my community stems from my desire to better my own circumstances. this is not selfish. this is mammalian. i will not apologize. 

and i will protect myself from love, because the evidence is too wide and clear: love is weakness, love is danger. connection to me is opportunity for others. i will not apologize.

i would rather die alone, and truncate my legacy and ensure my name stops at my own feet, than risk anything for anyone else ever again.