what i would say to them if i could

i tried over and over to love you

i gave my time and my energy and my flexibility and my commitment and my patience over and over and over

if the childhood memories weren't enough, if the voice you programmed into my head wasn't enough, if the way you trained other family members to treat me wasn't enough, if having to live through all of your commentary without any opportunity to reply or be heard wasn't enough,

if the way your whole identity was propped on my shoulders wasn't enough

then i know nothing is enough. 

nothing will make you see me as equal, whole, valuable, capable

and i don't have to explain myself 

i don't owe you a letter, an email, a conversation, an opportunity, anything, i don't owe you anything, i have cleared my debt ten thousand times over 

i am not what you are. i am not what you taught me to be. and i am not what you believe i am. 

i am myself. 

you do not get to coast off my achievements if you are not proud of how i have achieved them.

you do not get bragging rights to my life if you do not support my life. 

you do not get access to my life if you do not reciprocate what is being freely given. 

the way that i couldn't even explain to kristin pepera why the memory of you praying over my bad sunburn is trauma. the way i didn't have words to explain what happened to me the first time i was sexually assaulted. the way i sought out intimate relationships with narcissists because that's what felt like home. the way my brain came pre-wired for self harm, substance use disorder, and a strong desire for self sabotage. 

a few years ago i said to myself, i hate myself. and that sentence didn't make me mad or sad because it felt like what i have always been seeking: truth. i hate myself. i understand how to hate myself. i feel comfortable in my self hate. hating myself feels normal and natural. i hate taking care of myself. i hate responding to my own needs. i hate my feelings. i hate my memories. i cannot celebrate myself or my achievements, i cannot even see myself, i do not believe there is anything worth seeing.

i see now. 

i see what i was taught, and its roots in what you believed to be true

about yourself, about family, about the world, about milestones and relationships and what has value,

i have wished for better for you

but i choose myself. i understand now that i must choose myself. i understand now that no one else will or should choose me. i understand that i must be my own confidant, advocate, friend, helper. 

and i choose me because i am worth choosing: i see my immense power, my extreme capacity for overcoming challenges, my ability to move people and projects and rooms into a new state of being, the love and truth and honor that is my actual code of morality.

i don't believe you have any morality. 

i know you would disagree with me. this fact bears no weight in the balance of my certainty. 

i have deserved support that is more than financial. i have deserved being listened to, and the ability to develop as an individual and in relationship with you. i have deserved your authenticity. 

i did not know how to ask for these things as a child

and i am done asking for them as an adult