ok so i am racking up the hard NOs these days. no i will not get a colposcopy. no i will not settle for a doctor who does not listen to me. no i will not go seeking new friends or partners. it is not too many hard NOs but for someone raised without the ability to ever say no, it feels like a lot. 

no i will not provide self-soothing physical touch. 

because i don't want to cry? because i don't want to deal with the emotional deluge? because softness is a lie? because safety is a lie? so why make myself feel soft or safe? 

deadnaming myself a hundred times a day, especially when lecturing myself. it's clear my internal harangue is a production of my mother, and just as unyielding.

do i think i have to be equally unyielding in order to recover from her?

i'm pretty clear that this is my healing era, that this is my opportunity to clear my head and heart, that i moved across the country for the chance to be in a fresh environment and away from all my triggers, places, people, events. 

i'm also pretty clear that bad medical care, the wrong psych meds, bad therapy will not help. i don't feel i need to reject my instincts around when to say no to those things. 

perhaps like everything else this is all up to me and there will be no support or resources. perhaps like everything else i am left with only the resources of my body, my brain, and what i can provide for myself. this would make sense. perhaps there is no therapy that would help that i can access.