I have been in Portland since New Year’s Eve. 

Somehow I already have plans to go back in may to see mallory and Jared so I guess I must acknowledge that a piece of my heart still lives there. 

I recently posted on Fb more details of how the past few years have gone. That R Strategy won the community engagement money from ADAMHS for care response and how their tiny little fucked up community meetings will be all that is done until and unless we finish this second report. The way so many people abandoned me and that I stood alone. And then I deleted my whole past decade from Facebook. And my goal is to not be active on Facebook any more except for work. And I might not meet that goal but it is not going to be how it was. I will never get the recognition, the acknowledgement, the kind of apologies that I deserve from the people I deserve them from. Only partial understanding from people who weren’t there but see my pain. 

Yesterday Bree asked me for the log ins to the REACH social media and website for Emily. I’ll never give her access to the website. I gave her access to the social medias three months ago. I said “if she’s not even logged in on our shit after three months we should just fire her.”

It is going to have to be enough. I want to start asking the question of what comes next. 

I am amazed how much less angry I am here. The moments of full blaze fury stand out now because they are not constant. There are times when I am able to rest. I have been able to accept some compliments. 

Sometimes I can see coworkers in this behavioral health agency seeing some of my behaviors with clearer eyes than I want. I can see Diane seeing me beg for forgiveness for tiny things. I can see Katy seeing some of my shell and my bluster. It is so foreign to have the sensation of being seen. It is so foreign to have the sensation of being liked or appreciated. They do like me and appreciate me. They make it clear. I am so grateful. 

Working in behavioral health for a CEO who is in recovery is precious to my heart. 

I am trying to be patient and cognizant of building a friendship with Jenna who has been so kind and patient and a good listener and who fills in the gaps where my social skills give out. I am not taking any local connections or recommendations from Ohioans. I am not trying to make friends. I found Jenna on HER and deleted my profile because too many people (maybe seven) were talking to me. I continuously want to cancel plans on Jenna even though I usually feel content after having gone. I hosted Christina on a Thursday night and lived thru that with some happiness that surprised me. She asked if I was open to dating anyone and I said my heart is CLOSED.

Three days after I moved in I had that bleeding episode and went to the ER. Then I had to scream for two days straight to get wifi. Then Lawny got ill and I got in that fight with Banfield. 

I didn’t drink at all for the whole first month that I was here.