i'm feeling very disrupted. i can't tell if it's new or if it's the million layers of disruption that have happened since 2020. 

i'm very grateful my parents can't find me. i'm very grateful no one sent me something shitty on my birthday. i'm very grateful no one can show up at my door.

i can't believe i am going to allow emily to spend the rest of her life believing that i ended our friendship because i was leaving ohio and feared how much leaving her would hurt. but i am. 

yesterday i felt a real twinge of irritation at loving jared. i love him very deeply. it is annoying to feel that tug every day, to feel pained at having left him every day. it is annoying to think of him first. it is annoying to spend $1500 visiting him. and it is the only thing i have to look forward to. and i am afraid of coming back already because i will be in limbo again of when the next time i could see him would be. i miss being loved very badly. i miss being someone's friend, and laughing with him, and smoking and feeling comfortable saying anything. i may never get to be with him in any real way. that is going to have to be okay. 

i canceled the appointment they made me make for a colposcopy. i don't care if i have cervical cancer. it would not change any of my decisions. and i am not willing to go through the experience of a colposcopy for any of the other million benign reasons why she might have ordered one. i am tired of having panic attacks. i am not going to walk myself into an appointment where one is guaranteed. 

i think about ray a lot. i thought about what it would be like if i had cancer and tried to return lawny to ray. i wonder what ray remembers. i wonder what ray thinks of me. i wonder what ray speaks on about me. i still can't believe what happened. the other day i was rereading the screenshots of the only real last conversation we got to have, and thinking about how whatshername lauren or katie or whoever was like, hey could you stop talking to ray, it's really hard to deal with ray when he's emotional. yeah. yeah it is. 

tammy at work just got her divorced finalized yesterday and she was glowing about it. i am so happy for her. she told me she had been disappointed in the way her mother in law handled it. all i can say is that i understand. ray's mom is just one more person with whom i will never experience honesty, equity, justice, or mutual understanding. it is a long list of people. 

i have tried to do so many self protective things. i am trying to teach myself to say and do affirming things for myself. i protect me. i love me. i care for me, tangibly, with actions. i am very grateful to be far away from so many people who hurt me. 

i keep thinking someday, something would be cathartic. someday, something would help everything that is pent up inside me get loose. someday, something would feel like truth or justice or change or appreciation. i do not believe that day, that thing will ever come.