we had broken up for the millionth time and i had moved into the basement apartment next door to the meth cooker where the maintenance man stalked me, and my cat was weeks away from dying. and i texted you something snide, something intended to force a reaction, and you showed up at my door looking like peace and familiarity and family, and i said step back. stay away from me. so you stood five feet away from me on the concrete pad between my front door and the meth cooker's front door and the rotten egg smell wasn't quite as bad that night and you told me, something generic, something well intentioned, something peaceful. and i said step back.

i am absolutely sure that i pushed you away from me. i am absolutely sure that i was demeaning, condescending, demanding, unable to see your point of view, unable to recognize your needs and your discomforts, unable to provide whatever it is that you had needed. these are all true statements.

and i am sure too that i could not have been whatever ideal thing you had wanted. i am sure that i could not have fulfilled whatever expectations you had, and never said, about what kind of partnership you wanted to be in. i am sure that i could not have cured your anger or your depression or your substance abuse. i am sure that i could not have helped; i do not think you wanted help.

and i sit now in a space of what feels like complete abandonment, what feels like a space i have purposefully chosen to empty out of anyone who loves me or ought to love me. i sit now in a space that lacks any kind of long term relationships: i am without family, i am without familiarity. i have told my parents to step back, i have told my sister to step back, i have told my oldest friends to step back, i have told mentors to step back. i told you to step back. with a vehemence that i should never have intended. i built a whole world out of how to be alone, and you weren't the first casualty i inflicted upon myself and you weren't the last. i have built a whole world out of being the new, the alone, the outsider, and i have to live in that now.