if i could have been enough for you

(little enough, sweet enough, dumb enough, simple enough)
IF I COULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOU
MAYBE I MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE
OR SOMETHING

if i could have cleaned enough or cooked enough
cooked good enough
cooked food like how your mom makes but never as good as how your mom makes it always slightly off or one wrong ingredient or not spiced quite the same way or not as sweet or as savory or as tender or IF I COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
MAYBE I MIGHT HAVE DEMANDED LESS
AND ASKED MORE

there is a bitterness
in emptiness

if i could have been enough for you
i might have been focused, or is it unfocused?,
on seeing only the best, and not criticizing, which is apparently
what i do best anyways only seeing the negative or what should be done better or how you aren't doing the things you promised you would do that a normal human adult male would do that the promise of you being with me is supposed to mean that you will do if i could have been
enough
for you

i run out of words, leak ideas, puke sentences.
i am not enough, i am not good enough.

i am wrong, all wrong.