i just feel soooo overwhelmed. and i feel so keenly right now my most common deep-heart complaint: what if i wasn't capable? what if i wasn't as fiercely determined, as able to find resources, as stalwart, as strong, as adaptive? what if i couldn't do this-- then it must necessarily go a different way-- so why can't it now go another way? why does this whole situation have to land squarely on my own shoulders?
but no, i'll just keep making lists of christmas gifts to give, work projects to complete, recipes with cheap ingredients we can afford.
i feel like i can't have a savings account because, with someone entirely dependent on my income, i still feel like i owe honesty about the assets i do have. how can i say, you can't have money for pot, because in six months we're going to call a plumber? how can i say, you can't have money for toilet paper or shampoo or dog food, because in three months the fuel lines in my car need to be replaced? but i have to, i have to find a way to do that, otherwise we will never be able to take long-term care of ourselves.
the level of dependency that rae has on me is endangering my ability to be as independent as i need to be, in order to be satisfied with my own life, values, and identity.
how many times have i said, we need to talk about money? how many times, we need a plan? how many times, monthly budgeting and costs?
if i lose my health insurance again in 2020 it will be because i chose to afford rae's living expenses over my own. it will be because i chose rae's health over my own.
i'm not okay, and, you can't support me if you are not willing to work through a whole discussion about money, resources, energy, and time.
the back pain is at this point metaphorical.