A year ago was married, my house was also home for ray, my in laws picked up the phone for me, and no queers in cleveland hated me 

A year ago desperate, in conversation with dozens of doctors and specialists and facilities and connectors and helpers while I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped breathing 

A year ago terrified, ruining my nervous system and prefrontal cortex with chemical stress reactions I didn’t cause 

A year ago this week got ray out of the house the first time and slept a few hours and then cried because I had been able to sleep 

A year ago this week sixth hospital out of seven and then B Riley, meth, bar fights, the garage, barefoot freezing starving and screaming 

A year ago voted against trump even as my life fell apart because the trump administration is part of why and how my life fell apart 

A year ago sure I would file suit against cops but not hospitals, thinking the cops had done the most damage that we could incur 

A year ago employed, a year ago with a strong reputation and a trustworthy presence, a year ago visible, impactful, capable, clean 

A year ago in full survival mode for the first time since my teenage years and feeling my brain change inside my skull

A year ago knowing it would kill me and knowing that therefore I would find my escape hatch

A year ago invisible behind my partners chaos, a year ago sure that I would file for divorce, a year ago no one I trusted enough to say that to, and not recognizing it was the precursor of all the aloneness to come