i am not convinced that there is a logic behind sobriety. all those meetings trying to convince me that i harmed others, but i did not. i never stole, never threw a punch, never lost my income or my home. mine is a quiet kind of self-destruction.
i am not convinced that there is safety in sobriety, with the wide cloud of smoke rising above my head as i write this. they say harm reduction is the new strategy, but what if i never dealt the blows i should have? only i am reduced in this new religious desert.
i am not convinced that there is independence in sobriety. i have traded one box for another, one label for something stronger. those who want you to be healthy allow you to show up, bloated and reddened and tired but in a new dress, and tell you that you look great.
who will i be after this? in another ten years, in another cage? i will spend my life picking up and trying on new caste systems, new genders, new ways to be hated by the world around me. the only doctrine i subscribe to is evasive gratification, the slow drip of self-loathing.