Every thought has already crossed my mind—it’s all my fault, it’s all your fault, there is no fault—you’ll leave me tomorrow, you’ll leave me in a few years, you’ll be stuck with me for the rest of your life—but I cannot find a way to dig out. I cannot stomp down the sadness and the anger and the confusion and the great, aching bruise of having inflicted sadness and anger on someone I love. In hurting you I hurt myself.
If this is a possible ending I will wedge open every door. If this is death by a thousand cuts I will bury every knife in the yard. As much as I am determined on my love for you, you have also called me to honesty. I must learn what honesty serves, and how to be kind in it. This can be no new age version of keep sweet; you would see through me, and I would become invisible again.
I do remember the curve of your jaw, the curl of your hair, the twist in my heart when you smile. I do remember your goodness, your brightness, your desires for equity and grace. I do remember the way your heart sounds inches from mine.
Why can’t I see my way clear? Why can’t I establish again that foundation of love? I am lost, I feel alone. I don’t know how to move forward, and I don’t think any of my instincts serve.