What does being triggered mean? That I am driven back into my former self? That no matter how far I push, how much I learn, how hard I work, I am still drowning in the same old shame?
I am too tired to be unsuccessful. I have been ground down into my mammalian, my reptilian response sets. Because I must go down with this ship, I know I will keep it afloat.
What I would reclaim today: the conflation of love/hate with good/evil. Love can be evil. Hate can be lovely. Love can do unlimited harm; hate can be grounding, can be creative, can be catalyzing, can produce growth. Love is why I say it is inevitable that I am pulled back into old ways, old thoughts, old hurts.
My mother wore red and went to the church of her choosing and knew a dozen things to do with a potato, but refused ten of them. What is agency if not choice? How can I say she was not culpable, or directive, or integral, or the reason why?
When I am dead I think there will be silence, and an unending staircase, leading forever, slowly, upwards.