When I am honest
(At my most brutal)
I know that you are nothing.
I know I will not make different choices because of you,
I will not change any of my destructive behaviors because of you.
When I am honest I know
That I am nothing, a flash of pale light
In a cosmos lit by the suns and the stars and
The churning and heavy heat of combustion.
Yet inside of this knowledge
Are all the petty desires that drive me,
Towards money and status and security
And sex.
When I can't succeed at work, when I can't
Keep a friendship together or a relationship from failing
And when I can't put together an existence that doesn't disgust me--
I can still make a man moan, make him shake
Between my legs, that small accomplishment
of someone else's pleasure, and sweat.
If you are the embodiment of the only power I have left, the only sure thing,
I am more likely to go than stay.